well, thats that over!

40.
Just a number right?
Bollocks.
Its all down hill from here & it wasn't that difficult a climb to get here.
Since Saturday, I've been pretty middling about everything then today, the NHS decide to call me to ask if I want my complaint investigating or do I just want other peoples live put at risk and allow incompetence/mistakes to carry on.
If I weren't so crap at suicide, I wouldn't be here now to moan, but as I am, let the moaning begin.
Less than 5 minutes after the 40 minute call from the NHS, my youngest tells me he lost his mobile phone 2 days ago.
and he wondered why I was upset!!!
Worse still the fuck wit that passes herself of as his mother wanted to get him another!!!
Not while the hole in my arse points down!
He tried to blame everyone but take the fault himself.
Worst thin is at his age, I was coming home & cooking a family meal for 3 as my mother had left my father, my brother & me to get on with it.
He did his best, he went out to work when he could get any then come home & beat the crap out of the two of us...I gave up telling teachers I fell over or bumped into something.
My brother turned to drugs & I just fucked off at 16 to join up.
There are times when I envy him for taking the drug route, not that I am whiter than white, but...
So, here I am.
40 & fucked.
I dont feel like carrying on, but I know I have to. I am going into CBT therapy next month and hope it has an effect, because if not, I dont know if I can keep things level year on year for much longer.
Had a nice night tonight though, went to see Jason Feddy and Patst Matherson play at the 7 arts centre in chapel allerton.
Singley, they are great, but together they were brilliant.
Pix above...

The end of what turned into a good day

Got my CBT appointment for the 11th November, so, although its a year late, at least its a step in the right direction.
Off to Leeds art gallery on Saturday afternoon for an introduction to creative writing as part of my course.
Busy day Saturday.
New suite arriving, lecture, got to get my hair shaved before everyone meets here before we all head off for my 40th birthday meal.
Got to move the current suite and the cabinet to Maxine's new pad as well as leave Sue to reorganise the front room.
6.30ish, drinks before going to eat a steak the size of a small baby.
78oz which is 4.7Lbs or 2.2Kg of meat.

What a mess!!!

In August 2009, I was referred to Leeds Psychological therapy services for Cognative Behaviour Therapy.
the wait time then was 15 weeks.
Every time I met with my psycologist, I would ask if there had been any movement on the referal and after the suicide attempt in February of this year, he was again chasing it up.
Today I got a letter telling me I have JUST been refered and as of the 6th October am on an 18 week waiting list.
This takes me to mid February 2011, a year after I tried to kill myself.
To add insult to injury, they say they never had a referal from him before this one, problem is, its all over my clinical notes that a referal was made and now he has left for pastures new.
The halfwits at the new place even have my GP as being somewhere near Wetherby!!!
So some Dr in Collingham has been getting letters about a patient he has no knowledge of.
I wasnt going to make a complaint about this, but it seems if you want ANY sort of service from the NHS in Leeds, you have to kick off formally to get anywhere.
Its all well & good writing to tell me there is a "lengthy wait" for treatment, but when I should have been referred in August 2009, I would have been in treatment 8 months ago, and I might not have made the attempt on my life.
I will never know, but the fact is, someone's screw up could have cost a life.
How many people have been missed by the referral section & gone on to actually take their own life? Not everyone is as shit as I am at topping yourself!!!
Sat now waiting for someone from the department to call me back to "discuss" this whole mess.
Not holding my breath. If their call back is like the referral service, it'll be some point in the new year.

OK.

Met with my social health worker earlier today, thats after a visit from the mental health nurse on Tuesday.
After telling Keiron about my looking at chemical suicide sites and the feeling of being abandoned as I had supposedly been referred for CBT in August 2009 and never heard anything, it appears I fell through a crack in the system.
Must be a bloody big crack!!!!
I'm 20 stone...
Upshot is, he has made a new referal, should hear in a couple of weeks when I start.
This weekend, I'm off to celebrate making 40.
This for me entails trying to eat a 78Oz steak
Wish me luck...
Wrote a playlist earlier and put on Facebook that it was for a show I would never hear.
Bless her little Christian socks, My favourite Reverend asked if I was about to top myself again...
My fault for the wording of the post & lets be honest, she has EVERY right to worry.
I told her its for a show i intend to record in a few weeks to be played after I do eventually die, no matter how that might come about.
This seemed to ease her mind.
Perhaps I need to look more at how i put some things down, because for someone who currently writes for a living, I do seem to put the wrong message over on my own stuff, but not that of others...
You can follow Louise's excellent blog here:
http://revlouisefranklin.blogspot.com/

Movement

Met with my mental health nurse yesterday over the fact that despite being reffered for CBT therapy over a year ago, the team that look after it claim never to have had such a referral.
He will make a new referral and recommended that I took a sleeping pill during the day to get some of the sleep that I had missed over the previous 4 days.
Oddly, I took the pill at about 11.45am & didnt sleep at all...
Robert got home, sue got home, we all went to golf, called into Sainsbury's for some lemsip as Sue has a cold and then as Robert eat before we went out, Sue & I had dinner about 8pm.
I took my normal quota of pills (something the nurse & I agreed on was that taking more pills was not an answer) I dropped another Temazepam and went to bed at 10.
By 10.30, I was out of it!!!!
Only to be woken by Sue at 5.30am when she went to get a drink, but I went back off ASAP and didnt wake til about 10.30am.
Although feeling a bit better for having the sleep, I am still low, but I do think I'm starting to pull out the other side.
I havent felt this low since February when I tried to off myself, and it looks like my swings are not as low as they were, just as the highs are also not as high.

All I can hope now is that I get my CBT therapy kicked off and it works.

Perhaps the future is brighter than I have thought it for a long time...

BASTARD!!!!!

Well, what a shit start to the day. No kip last night (or very little) followed by Robert deciding that he didn't want to go to school because yesterday he was late...Sue taken the day off because I dont know if I can take much more of this.
Just as i thought I was beginning to turn the corner of this period, My father in law, who has a direct link to every gossip in the community cant help but slate me at every opportunity. If he actually knew what he was talking about, he might have a point.
Problem is after all these years, my wife still takes his opinion over mine!!!
Add to this my being hung out to dry by Leeds Mental health team & I cant see the point of carrying on.
I hate myself.
I dont want to be here.
My wife needs a kick up the arse to realise just how bad I am.

Fuck this for a game of soldiers, I'm not playing anymore.

Oh what a night.

In a building with middle aged Jewish ladies handing out. Canapes before a fashion show... better night than I thought so far.

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