Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's

Probably because the clocks all went mental at 2am, and I had to make sure my eldest was going to get fair treatment for his rotas yesterday, but today has been a weird one.
Car is spotless, but the clumsy sods who did valet it snapped the switch for adjusting the mirrors! of course, there closed Sunday, So I will have to wait until Monday to speak to someone.
When boredom struck, We went to CostCo for a walk round & ended up with a piece of beef for Xmas/Hanukkah, some fake candles and a jar of sweet chilli chutney for Sue. Mooched back and made for the couch where I finally caught up with some Emails and Sky+ before watching...
Scott Pilgrim Vs The World!
What a great movie. From start to finish, I loved it all.
Well acted, scripted and filmed.

As its Halloween, Robert is out with mates trick or treating with his Mum and I've had just one knock on the door. Luckily, there was a pack of maltesers mini bags for emergencies like this.
At this point, I'm thinking of hitting the sack. Try & get as much sleep as I can before Sue gets up for work tomorrow.

Thats it, There home, Time to leave the internet...

Over the hill?

Possibly.
Nearly made it out again to see Jason Feddy tonight.
But after spending the day reading & re reading the Metta Sutta for uni, I fear old age has jumped me, Burke & Hare style and dragged me quietly into an ally & left me for dead.
As it was, I planned to watch a movie, and go to bed.
Didnt see the movie, didnt get the early night, but did have peace as Robert was out all day.
Tomorrow is another day.
No uni work to do, and a host of catching up on Sky+.

well, thats that over!

40.
Just a number right?
Bollocks.
Its all down hill from here & it wasn't that difficult a climb to get here.
Since Saturday, I've been pretty middling about everything then today, the NHS decide to call me to ask if I want my complaint investigating or do I just want other peoples live put at risk and allow incompetence/mistakes to carry on.
If I weren't so crap at suicide, I wouldn't be here now to moan, but as I am, let the moaning begin.
Less than 5 minutes after the 40 minute call from the NHS, my youngest tells me he lost his mobile phone 2 days ago.
and he wondered why I was upset!!!
Worse still the fuck wit that passes herself of as his mother wanted to get him another!!!
Not while the hole in my arse points down!
He tried to blame everyone but take the fault himself.
Worst thin is at his age, I was coming home & cooking a family meal for 3 as my mother had left my father, my brother & me to get on with it.
He did his best, he went out to work when he could get any then come home & beat the crap out of the two of us...I gave up telling teachers I fell over or bumped into something.
My brother turned to drugs & I just fucked off at 16 to join up.
There are times when I envy him for taking the drug route, not that I am whiter than white, but...
So, here I am.
40 & fucked.
I dont feel like carrying on, but I know I have to. I am going into CBT therapy next month and hope it has an effect, because if not, I dont know if I can keep things level year on year for much longer.
Had a nice night tonight though, went to see Jason Feddy and Patst Matherson play at the 7 arts centre in chapel allerton.
Singley, they are great, but together they were brilliant.
Pix above...

The end of what turned into a good day

Got my CBT appointment for the 11th November, so, although its a year late, at least its a step in the right direction.
Off to Leeds art gallery on Saturday afternoon for an introduction to creative writing as part of my course.
Busy day Saturday.
New suite arriving, lecture, got to get my hair shaved before everyone meets here before we all head off for my 40th birthday meal.
Got to move the current suite and the cabinet to Maxine's new pad as well as leave Sue to reorganise the front room.
6.30ish, drinks before going to eat a steak the size of a small baby.
78oz which is 4.7Lbs or 2.2Kg of meat.

What a mess!!!

In August 2009, I was referred to Leeds Psychological therapy services for Cognative Behaviour Therapy.
the wait time then was 15 weeks.
Every time I met with my psycologist, I would ask if there had been any movement on the referal and after the suicide attempt in February of this year, he was again chasing it up.
Today I got a letter telling me I have JUST been refered and as of the 6th October am on an 18 week waiting list.
This takes me to mid February 2011, a year after I tried to kill myself.
To add insult to injury, they say they never had a referal from him before this one, problem is, its all over my clinical notes that a referal was made and now he has left for pastures new.
The halfwits at the new place even have my GP as being somewhere near Wetherby!!!
So some Dr in Collingham has been getting letters about a patient he has no knowledge of.
I wasnt going to make a complaint about this, but it seems if you want ANY sort of service from the NHS in Leeds, you have to kick off formally to get anywhere.
Its all well & good writing to tell me there is a "lengthy wait" for treatment, but when I should have been referred in August 2009, I would have been in treatment 8 months ago, and I might not have made the attempt on my life.
I will never know, but the fact is, someone's screw up could have cost a life.
How many people have been missed by the referral section & gone on to actually take their own life? Not everyone is as shit as I am at topping yourself!!!
Sat now waiting for someone from the department to call me back to "discuss" this whole mess.
Not holding my breath. If their call back is like the referral service, it'll be some point in the new year.

OK.

Met with my social health worker earlier today, thats after a visit from the mental health nurse on Tuesday.
After telling Keiron about my looking at chemical suicide sites and the feeling of being abandoned as I had supposedly been referred for CBT in August 2009 and never heard anything, it appears I fell through a crack in the system.
Must be a bloody big crack!!!!
I'm 20 stone...
Upshot is, he has made a new referal, should hear in a couple of weeks when I start.
This weekend, I'm off to celebrate making 40.
This for me entails trying to eat a 78Oz steak
Wish me luck...
Wrote a playlist earlier and put on Facebook that it was for a show I would never hear.
Bless her little Christian socks, My favourite Reverend asked if I was about to top myself again...
My fault for the wording of the post & lets be honest, she has EVERY right to worry.
I told her its for a show i intend to record in a few weeks to be played after I do eventually die, no matter how that might come about.
This seemed to ease her mind.
Perhaps I need to look more at how i put some things down, because for someone who currently writes for a living, I do seem to put the wrong message over on my own stuff, but not that of others...
You can follow Louise's excellent blog here:
http://revlouisefranklin.blogspot.com/

Movement

Met with my mental health nurse yesterday over the fact that despite being reffered for CBT therapy over a year ago, the team that look after it claim never to have had such a referral.
He will make a new referral and recommended that I took a sleeping pill during the day to get some of the sleep that I had missed over the previous 4 days.
Oddly, I took the pill at about 11.45am & didnt sleep at all...
Robert got home, sue got home, we all went to golf, called into Sainsbury's for some lemsip as Sue has a cold and then as Robert eat before we went out, Sue & I had dinner about 8pm.
I took my normal quota of pills (something the nurse & I agreed on was that taking more pills was not an answer) I dropped another Temazepam and went to bed at 10.
By 10.30, I was out of it!!!!
Only to be woken by Sue at 5.30am when she went to get a drink, but I went back off ASAP and didnt wake til about 10.30am.
Although feeling a bit better for having the sleep, I am still low, but I do think I'm starting to pull out the other side.
I havent felt this low since February when I tried to off myself, and it looks like my swings are not as low as they were, just as the highs are also not as high.

All I can hope now is that I get my CBT therapy kicked off and it works.

Perhaps the future is brighter than I have thought it for a long time...

BASTARD!!!!!

Well, what a shit start to the day. No kip last night (or very little) followed by Robert deciding that he didn't want to go to school because yesterday he was late...Sue taken the day off because I dont know if I can take much more of this.
Just as i thought I was beginning to turn the corner of this period, My father in law, who has a direct link to every gossip in the community cant help but slate me at every opportunity. If he actually knew what he was talking about, he might have a point.
Problem is after all these years, my wife still takes his opinion over mine!!!
Add to this my being hung out to dry by Leeds Mental health team & I cant see the point of carrying on.
I hate myself.
I dont want to be here.
My wife needs a kick up the arse to realise just how bad I am.

Fuck this for a game of soldiers, I'm not playing anymore.

Oh what a night.

In a building with middle aged Jewish ladies handing out. Canapes before a fashion show... better night than I thought so far.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.2

Well, that would appear to be that.

A fresh start today for all in the household as Robert started at Brodetsky Primary school today.
I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders after the hell of the past couple of weeks. Still waiting for the outcome of the complaint against his old head, but Sue is looking after all of that.
Can you believe that on his 2nd day, he is off to a robotics exhibition at one of the local high schools!!! so I have had to go out & get all the ingredients for a kosher packed lunch for him, not that we dont keep kosher normally...
Went to see my social/mental health worker Jim earlier today. I enjoy talking to him as he really seems to know what he is talking about and wants to make a difference to each person he is in contact with. I told him about everything we have been going through with Robert, my looking at certain sites and the chemical concoctions on them, how I feel Robert starting at the Jewish School is a new start for the whole family and everything else.
As per usual I was an hour early, so chatted to Terry Stowe who was in the studio with Sandi Firth, then went off shopping, got back to find them still in the studio looking lost before Stuart Woolfe and Lesley Millett arrived to get on with the preperations for tomorrow nights fashion show.
Glad I'm just attending as a staffer, & not as anything else!!!
Anyhow, thats it for today.
TTFN!!

What a difference a day makes.

This time yestaerday, I was ready to kill the world, followed by me.
Today, I have Robert at home, but not for long. Should find out in an hour or so if he can start at Brodetsky Primary tomorrow instead of the 1st November Education Leeds in their wisdom wanted him to.
Who in their right mind allows a child to remain at a school where it is being bullied longer than needs be, just to fulfil some stupid self imposed target?
As it is, his Dr said not to send him back to Highfield and when he said he was worried about breakfast club this morning, we over rode Roberts wants & kept him home.
Luckily, to keep him (and I) occupied, the Ryder cup went into an extra day, and then his new bike arrived...
So, Stunt pegs, 360° front forks and a couple of scrapped knuckles later and his bike was ready to roll.
Bright Orange, and 3 spoke mag wheels...Kids today!!!

Has anyone seen my plot?

...because I seem to have mislaid mine.
Went out at 8am to get breakfast & managed to pick up cottage cheese rather than cream cheese...I nearly broke down when I got home and saw it.
I have been officially told by my wife that I cannot get involved in the school problems any more, as she can see just how much it's dragged me down over the last two weeks.
No going to play golf today, the weather in Leeds makes Wales look positively tropical!
Despite a sleeping pill last night, or rather because of it, I feel like crap again today, and need to get my head at least partially sorted as on Tuesday I record a special show on mental health and on Wednesday night I'm one of the hosts for Radio Jcom's fashion show at the MAZCC centre.
In a way, I'm quite pleased that I wrote the show 2 weeks ago, because if I'd carried out my usual schedule, I would now be panicking and probably put recording back a few days.
Thats all for a while, I'm too knackered to go on...

I do think I might actually be screwed

I cant take much more of these problems Robert is having with his head mistress and bullying at highfield primary school.
I have found myself looking at suicide sites and considering a "pain free" chemical method.
I am really upset that this woman will not take my sons welfare seriously. She is a bloody liar, blackmailer and a joke of a headmistress.
She needs taking down a few pegs, and if I have to take her to court to do that, then so be it!
Problem is, I dont know if I can make it much further.