Decisions...

I've really struggled these last few days.
My problem is that every so often, when the black dog calls, I seem to be helpless against it. No matter what tips and tricks I've learnt from various places, I just seem to get so low, that I find myself constantly thinking about killing myself. Usually after a week, it starts to ease off and I'm back to my usual miserable self.
This week, I've upset my wife, both my sons and my daughter.
It's upsetting my kids that really hurts. It's not their fault Dad is a manic depressive, and usually I manage to keep myself clear of them.
So, here I am. Driven my Daughter to a friends in Liverpool rather than stay here, sat hoping that I really am looking at the end of this session...
Because I really have managed to have a bad week.
So, that's it. Nearly time for bed...

Now comes the hard part...

For the last few days, I've been really odd. Not sleeping properly, waking early, headaches and all that AFTER a cold.
I know I'm down.
I know I've not to let it get to me.
Problem is that My daughter is here & I really don't want her to see just how bad I am at the moment.
We went out to lunch today. I really am doing my best not to go OTT and give in, and at the moment, I'm winning, but it might go to penalties...
An early night I in order, mainly as I have writing to do, but with a house full, I cant sit here & write all night, so its bed for me & then resume work later.
Managed to slip on the bloody ice as well, so my ankle is REALLY hurting me ATM...
Anyhow, poem time.

Taxidermy

 

An owl hang-gliding in suspended flight,

An arrowheaded fox in mock attack

Beneath a northern pike

Whose pinking shears are open for a fight

That never comes, a lynx's ears pinned back

For some decisive strike. . . .

 

No dove is ever featured in a heap,

No walleye belly up.  This art contrives,

Although the eyes are glass,

To reawaken from their real sleep

Breakneck ferocity when the falcon dives,

Grace in the largemouth bass,

 

And overlooks their fixed, affected stare.

A more organic form would represent

No animal at all,

Its lifetime having melted into air,

But in a fairer attitude present

An empty pedestal.

 

Greg Williamson

 

 

From The Silent Partner, Story Line Press,

© 1994.  Reprinted by permission of the author
and Story Line Press, Ashland, Oregon.

Week one.

And I'm actually still in a good place. Lots of things going awry, but my Wife tells me I've been dealing with them admirably.
However, between Xmas & New year, I went to see my mate for an hour or so & came away with the most stubborn cough/cold known to mankind. Now, my wife is off sick with it, our Youngest is off school with it & I'm still coughing like a banshee and having trouble swallowing, 3 weeks later.
Mentally, I've gotten through the anniversary of my Dad passing & only had a minor panic attack, leading to an earlier night than usual.
I really cant wait for the rugby league season to start up again.
Hull KR are looking like a strong side under Craig Sandercock for this coming season, but living in Manchester, I'm probably going to see more of Salford City Reds than Hull KR this season.
Starting with their friendly against Wigan, I'm really hoping that Salford survive and are able to get through the season.
Anyhow, I promised a poem, & have gone for something a little off the wall to begin with...
As my Dad is no longer here, I urge you to get to know your parents as well as you can, because you're a long time without them.

Enjoy...

Dad

 

He often dreams of what he wants to be

and sleeps just to remember what it’s like:

young, anxious to grow, fresh with fantasy.

He often dreams of what he wants to be.

And when he can’t sleep, drinks, forgets, feels free

to hate the children, raise his hand and strike.

He often dreams of what he wants to be

and sleeps just to remember what it’s like.

Michael T. Young

 © 1997; originally printed in Because the Wind Has
Questions.  Used by permission of the author.

2013 will be a tough year.

I already know that the title seems a tad defeatist, but it's not.
It's an admission of how I am going to do my utmost to not let this illness beat me into submission, something I'm certainly guilty of in both 2011 and 12 at times.
Now I'm no longer in Leeds, I have no excuses to allow Muppet's like those at LJHA to get inside my head and let them screw with me for their own pleasure. I am a far better person than ANY of the housing nazi's that tried to drive me to suicide & ignored my mental health.
I owe them less than nothing & I am hoping to move on with my life.
There are 3 fantastic kids in my life, all of whom will need a Dad as they grow up. I hope to a better one than mine was, after all, he was a bit handy with his fists and took every chance he could to put me down!
As it is, I am going to push ahead with my OU studies, attempt at some point to get a part time job somewhere and take my youngest Son to see as much Rugby League as I can get away with.
I'll also try & write at least once a fortnight on here to let people know how I'm doing.
On other weeks, I'm going to post a poem.
Hopefully not one I've written, but one that will inspire and encourage you to go away and find out more about the poet or its subject.
I see this as being a step towards better mental health, not just for me, but those around me as well. My family are the best thing in my life, not just those here in Manchester, but where ever they are in the world. If you see me posting about being down, point me back here and I'll make sure I drag my sorry arse back to as close to normality as I can get.
There are also some very good friends both online & in the real world who deserve a better "me" (for a given value of me) to chat to and get to know.
Manchester was very good to me last time around, My wife seems to be loving it here as well.
So, a tough year ahead?
Yes.
Will I let it defeat me?
NO!

When you can't do your job for fear of arrest

Five marines charged with murder after Afghanistan incident

Royal Marines. I have a great respect for them. My Father was a commando & my best mate's Dad was one.
They are among the finest fighting forces in the world.
Not a patch on the British Infantry soldier, but as a former infantryman, I'm biased.
However, when your in a combat zone (no matter how pointless other people tell you this conflict is) they have a job to do & should be able to do that job without fear of reprisal from their own side, those who should be protecting them.
Even my former boss, Col. Richard Kemp, a former ground commander in Afghanistan has weighed in:  "The case against the troops concerned needs to be set out quickly because there's no question that these kind of allegations will undermine the morale of troops serving in Afghanistan today."
I couldnt agree more.
What must the families of these lads be thinking? After giving everything in a combat zone, they come back to find themselves under suspicion of murder.
What on earth must those troops still in theatre think, knowing that when they return home, they could face prosecution?
Its a thankless job, that the majority of those in the UK dont want to do. Those of us that HAVE chosen to serve in the armed forces did so with dignity and pride. We wanted to do our bit, be it in Northern Ireland, Kuwait or other hotspots around the world as we were asked to do, often at little notice by our masters in Whitehall.
We all knew when we signed on the line & took the Queens cash what we were doing.
The incident has been described as "an engagement with an insurgent", with no civilians involved. Surely, if they are engaging the enemy, then it cannot be murder.
Until the MOD tell everyone the facts as they see them, these lads are innocent.
A Territorial Army soldier was investigated by military officials after shooting dead a suspected Taliban bomber in the Nahr-e-Saraj area of central Helmand in the summer of 2010.
Senior officers believed the man may have been an innocent farmer, but after an 18-month inquiry no charges were brought against Fusilier Duane Knott, who said he had no regrets over his action.
This also goes against what those out there are asked to do. No one is saying that being a soldier is an easy job, its not, its a thankless one where often today, troops return to be spat at and called child killers by people who are allowed to burn poppy wreaths on Armistice day.
We were used to being treat as 2nd class by politicians & the public.
Thankfully, those attitudes are slowly changing, at least in public it seems so. My former unit get back soon and one former member of the regiment is hoping to raise enough money to buy every member of the 1st Bn. Royal Anglians a pint! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19915473
If you want to help him, there is a link at the bottom of the story.
Defence Secretary Phillip Hammond said he was determined that the rules of engagement were followed in Afghanistan.
‘Everybody serving in theatre knows the rules of engagement, they carry cards in their uniforms with the rules on them in case they should need to remind themselves.
‘I can’t comment on the specifics of this case.
‘We are very determined that rules of engagement will be followed, that any abuse will be dealt with through the normal processes of service justice and that is happening now.’
If that is the case, then where do the Service Prosecuting Authority (SPA) get off with levying the charge of murder?
Most soldiers do not trust politicians, because we realise that all we are to them are pieces on a table, to be sent to die at the whim of someone who hasn't got a clue what we actually do. All we are good for is a photo op, a soundbite and wrapping themselves in a flag of convenience.
If, like me you don't agree with whats going on, sign the petition below:
http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/40154
This government and those before it, have treat our armed forces with little more than contempt for decades now.
I recall going on a training exercise and having to shout "BANG" as we had only been given 10 blank rounds for the whole exercise!
We have the best soldiers in the world, but those in charge of procurement are determined to give us kit that is below par unless they are getting a nice little back hander...
Never has the following been so true where the British Forces are concerned:

“We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, with so little, for so long, we are now qualified to do anything, with nothing.”

We past and present members of the Armed Forces are eternally proud to have served. We just wish those back home were a little more grateful for the job we aredoing or did as we were asked to do.
I quite welcome comments on this.
In a nutshell, these lads have been shafted in my opinion. We have a government who couldnt care less about them, no matter what they say in public and a public who still dont fully understand the job that the forces have to do on a daily basis.

My Favourite piece of music by...

Carter, The unstoppable Sex Machine.

Now, I decided to kick off a series of blogs about music after spending a few hours putting together a playlist for the car.

As for starting with Carter, well, they are playing a couple of sold out gigs soon & I have been a fan since I was 17 and first heard “Sheriff Fatman” on the radio. That, however, isn’t my all time favourite track. Billy’s Smart Circus has that honour. Its as good and means as much today as it did the day it was recorded.

And it’s saved my life, more than once.

For me, music is the most wonderful invention of mankind. It evokes so many different emotions in people and is always evolving. What my Father listened to in the late 50′s is very different to what my 10-year-old wants to listen to today.

One thing I can’t abide is the music snob.

You all know at least one, who wont listen to Rap because they think it’s all about guns & violence, or the one who wont listen to Folk as it’s all hippy shit…Or the prog rock fan who thinks music died in the late 70′s.

I can honestly say, I will listen to anything. over 37000 tracks on my hard drive attest to that! There is stuff from all sorts of eras and genres in there.

I’m kicking off with Carter as they were the soundtrack to my youth.

So, of everything they put to record, how did this track come to mean so much to me?

Well, for someone who was a serving Soldier when I first heard it, and someone who was having difficulty with the old “does god exist” question, it really touched a chord with me.

Have a read of the lyrics (BELOW) & I’ll see you on the other side:

Read them? Good. Watched the You Tube clip? Even better.

I suffer with quite severe bi-polar and some of the low’s I experience have left me suicidal. I have tried a few times, but it’s just another thing I’m just no good at…

“To Die for his mother Country, isn’t every fathers wish” Well, it was in our house. Dad was a Royal Marine, Grandad was a Master at Arms in the Navy, so my joining up was a foregone conclusion. Dont get me wrong. I loved the Army. I made mates I still have to this day, indeed I work for my regiments museum in my spare time, recording the tales of former members for posterity, but after a while, I was a little disenchanted with the bullying & racism that I saw going on. I also saw a lot of the work going on to eradicate such problems, but it was going to be a very hard road for some to take.

I would dearly have loved to be a rebel, but it was out of the question for me. For me, rebelling was about the music I listened to. Transvision Vamp, Carter and PWEI were just some of the bands that shaped my musical youth. This track stands out for me on a magnificent album because of its lyrical content.

20 years on & we have both Labour and Tory parties, happier with a part privatised NHS (Bullied beat up cabbaged kids,To be patched up by the nurse,Who’s carrying the baggage in,For the private patients first) than the option of a health service that is equal for everyone. I’m not against Dr’s making money, but it shouldnt be at the cost of NHS patients being shoved onto waiting lists that are growing ever longer.

Luckily, the fashion of celebrities finding god when they’re caught with a bag of class A or a hooker seem to be over (As the actress said to the bishop ”I stand accused, your grace of the 7 deadly cynicisms and a total lack of faith). These days they turn to the temple of spin to make out that they had a troubled childhood/abusive parents/were cut up by a bad driver and that’s why they turned to drugs/hookers/little boys in their time of need.

Either that or claim to have bi-polar…

Whilst I accept there are many celebrities who will actually have the illness, if there was a cure that took 2 weeks, I’d have sold all I own to take it. It does seem to be the fashionable illness of choice for today’s “wannabe” celeb.

We didn’t quite have the under funded OAP’s turning to a life of crime this year, it was a supposedly disenfranchised youth who turned to it. The great Playstation robberies of 2011 (Underfunded O.A.P.s turn to life of crime the great cucumber robberies of 1989 Send ‘em down and bang ‘em up in a South London maisonette Unlicensed and unregistered it shouldn’t happen to a vet). I’m not passing judgement on those who did riot in the UK, but I do want to know why it happened. I know all about the Mark Duggan killing in Tottenham sparking the problems there, but why did Salford riot? Did Mr Duggan have family in Birmingham who felt left out & decided to join in? Surely these are the questions that need asking, Why did it happen & why did people feel the need to turn up in wheelchairs to steal a TV…Once again, we sent ‘em down & banged ‘em up, but tried to take away their maisonette/flat/house as a consequence of breaking the law. How was removing someone’s place of residence justice? Surely, that’s what the prison sentence was for?

This song is as relevant today as it was on the day it was written.

For me though, it’s the chorus that has saved me more than once. That set of words (And if I put this gun against my head
And pull the trigger I’ll be dead But if I listen to my heart It says, Billy that ain’t smart So I’ll do something else instead) has helped me get up from my malaise and force myself to actually look at myself and realise that killing myself is not going to be the answer to my problems.

I’m certain Jim Bob & Fruitbat will be rightly proud of every Carter track, but for me, this one stands head and shoulders above the others.

I have also been saved by a friend who s a Vicar, but that’s another story & I still don’t believe in god…

To die for his mother country
Isn`t every father`s wish
But if you7re ever feeling hungry
Feast your eyes on this
Bullied beat up cabbaged kids
To be patched up by the nurse
Who`s carrying the baggage in
For the private patients first
And the doctor`s praying to Buddha,
`Send me to another town!`
A shovelful of sugar
Won`t help that medicine go down
As the actress said to the bishop
I stand accused your Grace
Of the seven deadly cynicisms
And a total lack of faith

CHORUS
And if I put this gun against my head
And pull the trigger I`ll be dead
But if I listen to my heart
It says, Billy that ain`t smart
So I`ll do something else instead

(Billy`s smart, Billy`s smart
Circus for the bleeding heaarts
Feed the world, heal the sick
Take the piss out of the shit
Live your life without a net
Stick your head down the lion`s neck
And listen to the people cheer
Send in the clowns
Don`t bother they`re here)
To die for his mother`s country
Isn`t every father`s wish
But if you`re ever feeling hungry
Feast your eyes on this
Under funded O.A.P.`s
Turn to life of crime
The great cucumber robberies of 1989
Send `em down and bang `2m up
In a South London maisonette
Unlicensed and unregistered
It shouldn`t happen to a vet
As the actress said to the bishop
The rabbi and the priest
My eyes have seen the glory
I`m a born again atheist

And if I put this gun against my head
And pull the trigger I`ll be dead
But if I listen to my heart
It says, Bill that ain`t smart
So I`ll shoot someone else instead

I hate the world, but cant die.

I don't want to die, I just cant stand my life when I get these long, protracted bi-polar lows.

Really, this one is long because I went and pushed myself to hard into something I needed to do, which was write an article for a magazine.

Rather than rest as I knew I had to after a very hard 36 hours, I was unable to sleep & couldn't get the rest I now needed.

I compounded this by going ahead with a radio show I had promised someone, when I could have put it off.

I also arranged to guest on a show for someone as part of a series he is doing (discussing my mental issues) called "living with". Later the same day, I went and recorded my own show.

I was already chinstrapped, but then took on a commission to script a corporate on line video for a local firm.

Basically, I pushed myself far too hard and am now paying the price. 

I cant sleep, relax or eat properly.

No matter what I do, I am in a low that I just cant shake off, and that's all it needs is shaking off. Putting into practice techniques and tricks I've picked up does usually make it that easy.

I'm now well into week 3 of this one.

One of the reasons I let myself slip so deep was the fact we are moving home. Normally a stressful thing in itself, but add in limited mobility, a housing association with very little care for its residents well being or needs and a home at the bottom of a 100 foot long 1:16 hill and you can see why I began to give up.

My wife has (as usual) been an absolute rock.

So, here I am, 5am, not quite as wide awake as I have been, but still unable to sleep.

I don't want to die, I just cant go on living like this. I console myself that once we do move, the association have grudgingly agreed to fit an access gate to allow me level access out of the property, and we will be tucked away in a corner of a cul de sac, away from most of the nosey, gossiping and back stabbing people that also live here.

Problem is, I have neither the energy nor inclination to move house.

What do I do?

I cant go on like this, but I cant take lithium as it kills any ability I have to think straight and put that into my writing.

The other prescribed options just don't work for me.

I have to listen when my wife tells me I'm over reacting, but I was that bad today, I couldn't even cook & told her before she left for work. She asked me to take something out & she would cook it.

She promptly came in and asked me to do it. 

I lost it.

This was the wrong reaction, but I really was at my wits end. I had deliberately taken out "fast food". Chicken Goujons. Toss some chips in the actifry & Robert is your mothers brother. 

But she wanted to go to the local shops to buy a pack of cards for some swap game for the youngest.

I ended up crying like a baby.

I feel like a failure because I am unable to go out to work and contribute to the house.

OK, I do my show, but apart from that, I am stuck in the house, unable to get out because of stairs, and unable to cope because I'm missing parts of my brain.

Problem is I get frustrated because I cant do the things that most people take for granted.

I want to go out, get a job, earn a little, even if for now its part time, but weeks like this make me realise just how far away I am from even taking this little step forward.

So what do I do? 

I really don't know anymore, and that scares me. I know I am capable of slipping deeper and then doing something stupid.

I know I can stop myself from doing that, but I am also scared tha tI wont care if I go on much longer.

Last time, the police had to handcuff me to get me to the ambulance. 

I know I have coping mechanisms in place now that I didn't have then, but can they stand up to this prolonged low?

Only time will tell I suppose.