Really, this one is long because I went and pushed myself to hard into something I needed to do, which was write an article for a magazine.
Rather than rest as I knew I had to after a very hard 36 hours, I was unable to sleep & couldn't get the rest I now needed.
I compounded this by going ahead with a radio show I had promised someone, when I could have put it off.
I also arranged to guest on a show for someone as part of a series he is doing (discussing my mental issues) called "living with". Later the same day, I went and recorded my own show.
I was already chinstrapped, but then took on a commission to script a corporate on line video for a local firm.
Basically, I pushed myself far too hard and am now paying the price.
I cant sleep, relax or eat properly.
No matter what I do, I am in a low that I just cant shake off, and that's all it needs is shaking off. Putting into practice techniques and tricks I've picked up does usually make it that easy.
I'm now well into week 3 of this one.
One of the reasons I let myself slip so deep was the fact we are moving home. Normally a stressful thing in itself, but add in limited mobility, a housing association with very little care for its residents well being or needs and a home at the bottom of a 100 foot long 1:16 hill and you can see why I began to give up.
My wife has (as usual) been an absolute rock.
So, here I am, 5am, not quite as wide awake as I have been, but still unable to sleep.
I don't want to die, I just cant go on living like this. I console myself that once we do move, the association have grudgingly agreed to fit an access gate to allow me level access out of the property, and we will be tucked away in a corner of a cul de sac, away from most of the nosey, gossiping and back stabbing people that also live here.
Problem is, I have neither the energy nor inclination to move house.
What do I do?
I cant go on like this, but I cant take lithium as it kills any ability I have to think straight and put that into my writing.
The other prescribed options just don't work for me.
I have to listen when my wife tells me I'm over reacting, but I was that bad today, I couldn't even cook & told her before she left for work. She asked me to take something out & she would cook it.
She promptly came in and asked me to do it.
I lost it.
This was the wrong reaction, but I really was at my wits end. I had deliberately taken out "fast food". Chicken Goujons. Toss some chips in the actifry & Robert is your mothers brother.
But she wanted to go to the local shops to buy a pack of cards for some swap game for the youngest.
I ended up crying like a baby.
I feel like a failure because I am unable to go out to work and contribute to the house.
OK, I do my show, but apart from that, I am stuck in the house, unable to get out because of stairs, and unable to cope because I'm missing parts of my brain.
Problem is I get frustrated because I cant do the things that most people take for granted.
I want to go out, get a job, earn a little, even if for now its part time, but weeks like this make me realise just how far away I am from even taking this little step forward.
So what do I do?
I really don't know anymore, and that scares me. I know I am capable of slipping deeper and then doing something stupid.
I know I can stop myself from doing that, but I am also scared tha tI wont care if I go on much longer.
Last time, the police had to handcuff me to get me to the ambulance.
I know I have coping mechanisms in place now that I didn't have then, but can they stand up to this prolonged low?
Only time will tell I suppose.
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