2013 will be a tough year.

I already know that the title seems a tad defeatist, but it's not.
It's an admission of how I am going to do my utmost to not let this illness beat me into submission, something I'm certainly guilty of in both 2011 and 12 at times.
Now I'm no longer in Leeds, I have no excuses to allow Muppet's like those at LJHA to get inside my head and let them screw with me for their own pleasure. I am a far better person than ANY of the housing nazi's that tried to drive me to suicide & ignored my mental health.
I owe them less than nothing & I am hoping to move on with my life.
There are 3 fantastic kids in my life, all of whom will need a Dad as they grow up. I hope to a better one than mine was, after all, he was a bit handy with his fists and took every chance he could to put me down!
As it is, I am going to push ahead with my OU studies, attempt at some point to get a part time job somewhere and take my youngest Son to see as much Rugby League as I can get away with.
I'll also try & write at least once a fortnight on here to let people know how I'm doing.
On other weeks, I'm going to post a poem.
Hopefully not one I've written, but one that will inspire and encourage you to go away and find out more about the poet or its subject.
I see this as being a step towards better mental health, not just for me, but those around me as well. My family are the best thing in my life, not just those here in Manchester, but where ever they are in the world. If you see me posting about being down, point me back here and I'll make sure I drag my sorry arse back to as close to normality as I can get.
There are also some very good friends both online & in the real world who deserve a better "me" (for a given value of me) to chat to and get to know.
Manchester was very good to me last time around, My wife seems to be loving it here as well.
So, a tough year ahead?
Yes.
Will I let it defeat me?
NO!

When you can't do your job for fear of arrest

Five marines charged with murder after Afghanistan incident

Royal Marines. I have a great respect for them. My Father was a commando & my best mate's Dad was one.
They are among the finest fighting forces in the world.
Not a patch on the British Infantry soldier, but as a former infantryman, I'm biased.
However, when your in a combat zone (no matter how pointless other people tell you this conflict is) they have a job to do & should be able to do that job without fear of reprisal from their own side, those who should be protecting them.
Even my former boss, Col. Richard Kemp, a former ground commander in Afghanistan has weighed in:  "The case against the troops concerned needs to be set out quickly because there's no question that these kind of allegations will undermine the morale of troops serving in Afghanistan today."
I couldnt agree more.
What must the families of these lads be thinking? After giving everything in a combat zone, they come back to find themselves under suspicion of murder.
What on earth must those troops still in theatre think, knowing that when they return home, they could face prosecution?
Its a thankless job, that the majority of those in the UK dont want to do. Those of us that HAVE chosen to serve in the armed forces did so with dignity and pride. We wanted to do our bit, be it in Northern Ireland, Kuwait or other hotspots around the world as we were asked to do, often at little notice by our masters in Whitehall.
We all knew when we signed on the line & took the Queens cash what we were doing.
The incident has been described as "an engagement with an insurgent", with no civilians involved. Surely, if they are engaging the enemy, then it cannot be murder.
Until the MOD tell everyone the facts as they see them, these lads are innocent.
A Territorial Army soldier was investigated by military officials after shooting dead a suspected Taliban bomber in the Nahr-e-Saraj area of central Helmand in the summer of 2010.
Senior officers believed the man may have been an innocent farmer, but after an 18-month inquiry no charges were brought against Fusilier Duane Knott, who said he had no regrets over his action.
This also goes against what those out there are asked to do. No one is saying that being a soldier is an easy job, its not, its a thankless one where often today, troops return to be spat at and called child killers by people who are allowed to burn poppy wreaths on Armistice day.
We were used to being treat as 2nd class by politicians & the public.
Thankfully, those attitudes are slowly changing, at least in public it seems so. My former unit get back soon and one former member of the regiment is hoping to raise enough money to buy every member of the 1st Bn. Royal Anglians a pint! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19915473
If you want to help him, there is a link at the bottom of the story.
Defence Secretary Phillip Hammond said he was determined that the rules of engagement were followed in Afghanistan.
‘Everybody serving in theatre knows the rules of engagement, they carry cards in their uniforms with the rules on them in case they should need to remind themselves.
‘I can’t comment on the specifics of this case.
‘We are very determined that rules of engagement will be followed, that any abuse will be dealt with through the normal processes of service justice and that is happening now.’
If that is the case, then where do the Service Prosecuting Authority (SPA) get off with levying the charge of murder?
Most soldiers do not trust politicians, because we realise that all we are to them are pieces on a table, to be sent to die at the whim of someone who hasn't got a clue what we actually do. All we are good for is a photo op, a soundbite and wrapping themselves in a flag of convenience.
If, like me you don't agree with whats going on, sign the petition below:
http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/40154
This government and those before it, have treat our armed forces with little more than contempt for decades now.
I recall going on a training exercise and having to shout "BANG" as we had only been given 10 blank rounds for the whole exercise!
We have the best soldiers in the world, but those in charge of procurement are determined to give us kit that is below par unless they are getting a nice little back hander...
Never has the following been so true where the British Forces are concerned:

“We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, with so little, for so long, we are now qualified to do anything, with nothing.”

We past and present members of the Armed Forces are eternally proud to have served. We just wish those back home were a little more grateful for the job we aredoing or did as we were asked to do.
I quite welcome comments on this.
In a nutshell, these lads have been shafted in my opinion. We have a government who couldnt care less about them, no matter what they say in public and a public who still dont fully understand the job that the forces have to do on a daily basis.

My Favourite piece of music by...

Carter, The unstoppable Sex Machine.

Now, I decided to kick off a series of blogs about music after spending a few hours putting together a playlist for the car.

As for starting with Carter, well, they are playing a couple of sold out gigs soon & I have been a fan since I was 17 and first heard “Sheriff Fatman” on the radio. That, however, isn’t my all time favourite track. Billy’s Smart Circus has that honour. Its as good and means as much today as it did the day it was recorded.

And it’s saved my life, more than once.

For me, music is the most wonderful invention of mankind. It evokes so many different emotions in people and is always evolving. What my Father listened to in the late 50′s is very different to what my 10-year-old wants to listen to today.

One thing I can’t abide is the music snob.

You all know at least one, who wont listen to Rap because they think it’s all about guns & violence, or the one who wont listen to Folk as it’s all hippy shit…Or the prog rock fan who thinks music died in the late 70′s.

I can honestly say, I will listen to anything. over 37000 tracks on my hard drive attest to that! There is stuff from all sorts of eras and genres in there.

I’m kicking off with Carter as they were the soundtrack to my youth.

So, of everything they put to record, how did this track come to mean so much to me?

Well, for someone who was a serving Soldier when I first heard it, and someone who was having difficulty with the old “does god exist” question, it really touched a chord with me.

Have a read of the lyrics (BELOW) & I’ll see you on the other side:

Read them? Good. Watched the You Tube clip? Even better.

I suffer with quite severe bi-polar and some of the low’s I experience have left me suicidal. I have tried a few times, but it’s just another thing I’m just no good at…

“To Die for his mother Country, isn’t every fathers wish” Well, it was in our house. Dad was a Royal Marine, Grandad was a Master at Arms in the Navy, so my joining up was a foregone conclusion. Dont get me wrong. I loved the Army. I made mates I still have to this day, indeed I work for my regiments museum in my spare time, recording the tales of former members for posterity, but after a while, I was a little disenchanted with the bullying & racism that I saw going on. I also saw a lot of the work going on to eradicate such problems, but it was going to be a very hard road for some to take.

I would dearly have loved to be a rebel, but it was out of the question for me. For me, rebelling was about the music I listened to. Transvision Vamp, Carter and PWEI were just some of the bands that shaped my musical youth. This track stands out for me on a magnificent album because of its lyrical content.

20 years on & we have both Labour and Tory parties, happier with a part privatised NHS (Bullied beat up cabbaged kids,To be patched up by the nurse,Who’s carrying the baggage in,For the private patients first) than the option of a health service that is equal for everyone. I’m not against Dr’s making money, but it shouldnt be at the cost of NHS patients being shoved onto waiting lists that are growing ever longer.

Luckily, the fashion of celebrities finding god when they’re caught with a bag of class A or a hooker seem to be over (As the actress said to the bishop ”I stand accused, your grace of the 7 deadly cynicisms and a total lack of faith). These days they turn to the temple of spin to make out that they had a troubled childhood/abusive parents/were cut up by a bad driver and that’s why they turned to drugs/hookers/little boys in their time of need.

Either that or claim to have bi-polar…

Whilst I accept there are many celebrities who will actually have the illness, if there was a cure that took 2 weeks, I’d have sold all I own to take it. It does seem to be the fashionable illness of choice for today’s “wannabe” celeb.

We didn’t quite have the under funded OAP’s turning to a life of crime this year, it was a supposedly disenfranchised youth who turned to it. The great Playstation robberies of 2011 (Underfunded O.A.P.s turn to life of crime the great cucumber robberies of 1989 Send ‘em down and bang ‘em up in a South London maisonette Unlicensed and unregistered it shouldn’t happen to a vet). I’m not passing judgement on those who did riot in the UK, but I do want to know why it happened. I know all about the Mark Duggan killing in Tottenham sparking the problems there, but why did Salford riot? Did Mr Duggan have family in Birmingham who felt left out & decided to join in? Surely these are the questions that need asking, Why did it happen & why did people feel the need to turn up in wheelchairs to steal a TV…Once again, we sent ‘em down & banged ‘em up, but tried to take away their maisonette/flat/house as a consequence of breaking the law. How was removing someone’s place of residence justice? Surely, that’s what the prison sentence was for?

This song is as relevant today as it was on the day it was written.

For me though, it’s the chorus that has saved me more than once. That set of words (And if I put this gun against my head
And pull the trigger I’ll be dead But if I listen to my heart It says, Billy that ain’t smart So I’ll do something else instead) has helped me get up from my malaise and force myself to actually look at myself and realise that killing myself is not going to be the answer to my problems.

I’m certain Jim Bob & Fruitbat will be rightly proud of every Carter track, but for me, this one stands head and shoulders above the others.

I have also been saved by a friend who s a Vicar, but that’s another story & I still don’t believe in god…

To die for his mother country
Isn`t every father`s wish
But if you7re ever feeling hungry
Feast your eyes on this
Bullied beat up cabbaged kids
To be patched up by the nurse
Who`s carrying the baggage in
For the private patients first
And the doctor`s praying to Buddha,
`Send me to another town!`
A shovelful of sugar
Won`t help that medicine go down
As the actress said to the bishop
I stand accused your Grace
Of the seven deadly cynicisms
And a total lack of faith

CHORUS
And if I put this gun against my head
And pull the trigger I`ll be dead
But if I listen to my heart
It says, Billy that ain`t smart
So I`ll do something else instead

(Billy`s smart, Billy`s smart
Circus for the bleeding heaarts
Feed the world, heal the sick
Take the piss out of the shit
Live your life without a net
Stick your head down the lion`s neck
And listen to the people cheer
Send in the clowns
Don`t bother they`re here)
To die for his mother`s country
Isn`t every father`s wish
But if you`re ever feeling hungry
Feast your eyes on this
Under funded O.A.P.`s
Turn to life of crime
The great cucumber robberies of 1989
Send `em down and bang `2m up
In a South London maisonette
Unlicensed and unregistered
It shouldn`t happen to a vet
As the actress said to the bishop
The rabbi and the priest
My eyes have seen the glory
I`m a born again atheist

And if I put this gun against my head
And pull the trigger I`ll be dead
But if I listen to my heart
It says, Bill that ain`t smart
So I`ll shoot someone else instead

I hate the world, but cant die.

I don't want to die, I just cant stand my life when I get these long, protracted bi-polar lows.

Really, this one is long because I went and pushed myself to hard into something I needed to do, which was write an article for a magazine.

Rather than rest as I knew I had to after a very hard 36 hours, I was unable to sleep & couldn't get the rest I now needed.

I compounded this by going ahead with a radio show I had promised someone, when I could have put it off.

I also arranged to guest on a show for someone as part of a series he is doing (discussing my mental issues) called "living with". Later the same day, I went and recorded my own show.

I was already chinstrapped, but then took on a commission to script a corporate on line video for a local firm.

Basically, I pushed myself far too hard and am now paying the price. 

I cant sleep, relax or eat properly.

No matter what I do, I am in a low that I just cant shake off, and that's all it needs is shaking off. Putting into practice techniques and tricks I've picked up does usually make it that easy.

I'm now well into week 3 of this one.

One of the reasons I let myself slip so deep was the fact we are moving home. Normally a stressful thing in itself, but add in limited mobility, a housing association with very little care for its residents well being or needs and a home at the bottom of a 100 foot long 1:16 hill and you can see why I began to give up.

My wife has (as usual) been an absolute rock.

So, here I am, 5am, not quite as wide awake as I have been, but still unable to sleep.

I don't want to die, I just cant go on living like this. I console myself that once we do move, the association have grudgingly agreed to fit an access gate to allow me level access out of the property, and we will be tucked away in a corner of a cul de sac, away from most of the nosey, gossiping and back stabbing people that also live here.

Problem is, I have neither the energy nor inclination to move house.

What do I do?

I cant go on like this, but I cant take lithium as it kills any ability I have to think straight and put that into my writing.

The other prescribed options just don't work for me.

I have to listen when my wife tells me I'm over reacting, but I was that bad today, I couldn't even cook & told her before she left for work. She asked me to take something out & she would cook it.

She promptly came in and asked me to do it. 

I lost it.

This was the wrong reaction, but I really was at my wits end. I had deliberately taken out "fast food". Chicken Goujons. Toss some chips in the actifry & Robert is your mothers brother. 

But she wanted to go to the local shops to buy a pack of cards for some swap game for the youngest.

I ended up crying like a baby.

I feel like a failure because I am unable to go out to work and contribute to the house.

OK, I do my show, but apart from that, I am stuck in the house, unable to get out because of stairs, and unable to cope because I'm missing parts of my brain.

Problem is I get frustrated because I cant do the things that most people take for granted.

I want to go out, get a job, earn a little, even if for now its part time, but weeks like this make me realise just how far away I am from even taking this little step forward.

So what do I do? 

I really don't know anymore, and that scares me. I know I am capable of slipping deeper and then doing something stupid.

I know I can stop myself from doing that, but I am also scared tha tI wont care if I go on much longer.

Last time, the police had to handcuff me to get me to the ambulance. 

I know I have coping mechanisms in place now that I didn't have then, but can they stand up to this prolonged low?

Only time will tell I suppose.

living with bi polar: OK,We have 3 party leaders of our main political ...

living with bi polar: OK,
We have 3 party leaders of our main political ...: OK, We have 3 party leaders of our main political parties, non of whom have ever had to live in the "real" world of having to save for a sch...

OK,
We have 3 party leaders of our main political parties, non of whom have ever had to live in the "real" world of having to save for a school trip for kids or wonder where the money will come from for school uniform.
How can we let these pampered & privileged people who haven't got a clue how the people in the street feel or in some cases have to struggle day run the country?
We need people in charge who have had to struggle at times, who remember what its like to worry and even if they are now very wealthy, are willing to look back and remember what it was like.
I'm sure that all 3 parties do have people like that, but they are kept in the dark by those "professional" politico's who have now all but taken over the system and the parties and who decide who gets what job & when, based on who they know or went to school with.
How is this approach good for the country as a whole?
It means we are led by a bunch of rich posh boys who are all looking out for the vested interests of other posh boys. 
Lets look at them one by one...


Ed Milliband
Son of immigrants. Nice start, and something always spouted by his supporters as showing him to be in touch with the common man, but lets face it, although immigrants, his father was already as well respected left wing thinker & speaker, so any child was likely to have had a good leg up using Daddy's contacts. Ed's intern ship was with the legend of British politics, Tony Benn.
Its hard to believe that his brief career in journalism made him the best person to lead the country through the problems we have at the moment, any more than writing speeches for other politicians or being part of the government that helped get us in this mess in the first place did.


Nick Clegg.
Another "silver spoon" political leader. Wealthy family, well connected, went to all the right schools and met all the right people. Apart from a couple of very well paid jobs as a lobbyist and a part time teaching job, Nick has been a European politician before he was selected to his current Sheffield seat.
Again, its hard to believe that someone who's job has been to lobby for big business at the heart of Europe, was born with a silver (plated) spoon in his mouth could ever know what its like to be a normal family in the UK today with all the attendant problems. Is all well & good being able to speak English, Dutch, French, German, and Spanish, but can he now speak to the man on the street? I very much doubt he ever could to be honest.


David Cameron
The only one of the three with a genuine, hallmarked silver spoon. A direct descendant of Royalty, he was born into money. Lots of it. He is however the only one of the three to have had a "real" job having been Director of Corporate Affairs at Carlton Communications for seven years. before and after that sojourn into the real world he was in politics all the way. Working at the conservative research centre before Carlton and then afterwards working for any Tory that would have him, and from the looks of it, he was in demand.


So, no doubt I will have people rubbishing me, but the point I am trying to make is that we have three leaders of supposedly very different political parties, non of whom have a clue about the real world.
Why on earth would we vote for them to lead this country? because for years, the political classes have slowly but surely made certain that this is the only choice we have. 3 posh kids who don't care about the man in the street unless he is related to them or their friends.
I love this country. I consider myself to be a patriot. I have served in the armed forces and always tried to make my own way until ill health cost me my business. Rather than sit on my bum & collect benefits, I went back to college, only to have a relapse, setting me back 18 months and now studying with the OU to keep my brain active even if I am unfit to hold down a full time job.
I don't see any political party that I would trust to run the country properly for the benefit of its inhabitants, both rich and poor.
I can hear my own father, a Labour supporter, spinning in his early grave, as well as my Grandfather, a Tory rotating in his.
I Can honestly say, I have only ever met one politician who truly seemed to be in it for others and she was defeated at the local elections here in Leeds earlier this year. Brenda Lancaster was her name & I hope that at the next local election, she comes back into politics. 
She was hard working, always answered her phone & emails and was willing to talk to everyone who needed her. 
My politics? 
I dont follow any party. Never have & firmly believe they are all pretty much the same these days.

Is a problem shared a problem halved?

It’s always the way.

You get your head around one problem and solve it when another comes along and takes its place.

This week has been all about LJHA and its (lack of) customer service and sensitivity and overcoming the possibility of a move to the bottom of a hill.

Despite all sorts of calls, it took the treat of a legal challenge using the Human rights act to get them to sit down and accept that they do have an awful lot of problems internally with staff.

Anyhow, we resolved all of that by agreeing that they would put in a gate allowing me (almost) level access to a public footbath and look into the aforementioned internal problems.

Then I get an email from my daughter who lives in the middle of nowhere with her Mother and step father asking me about being Bi-Polar and what it’s like for an “extended qualification project” for 6^th form.

Now, as a sufferer, I’ve only ever written about it from my point of view and to have to put it into ways that a fairly intelligent 17 year old could not only understand, but also as it’s my daughter in a way as not to scare her silly, was daunting to say the least.

Anyhow, after clarifying just how much info she wanted and to make sure it was confidential, I wrote about my problems and how in the past I had used “unconventional” means to stop the worst excesses of the mood swings.

It was the telling of these unconventional methods to my daughter that had me worried.

I am not overly ashamed of what I was doing, but to have to explain why I was doing it to an impressionable girl was worrying all the same.

Anyway, I wrote all she needed to know and hopefully, she will get a decent result and my illness will have at least served some good to someone other than the legions of social workers and shrinks that seem to gather whenever a mental health problem arises.

Anyhow, I am later this month starting a writing course with the OU as part of my degree. I am so looking forward to it. My tutor from my last course is doing a reading at the Ilkley literature festival in October and has asked a few of her students if they want to attend.

I can’t wait!

I find her engaging, witty and a very good writer. To hear her read ahead of beginning to write myself will be a real pleasure. You can read more about her here:

www.nickyharlow.com

I really hope one day, someone, somewhere will ask me to sit on a stage and read from my book of poetry, as its poetry where I feel my talents lie. Anything else is incidental.

I love reading poetry and I have had some success with writing it. Things like this are just to get me in the habit of writing free flow and to see what actually arrives on the page…

I am just starting to get the smell of the chicken I put in the oven, nearly 90 minutes ago on a very low heat for dinner. Add to the fact I am doing mashed potato with spring onion and carrot along with broccoli and dinner for a Tuesday is looking lovely.

This is what I want to be able to do. Listen to the radio, write, post on twitter and cook

I would be a very happy man.

Perhaps my next gig should be as a food writer?

After all this started out as a freeform writing exercise, not a blog post, but I’ve decided to share it with those who can be bothered to read my raving on here…

Thank you for reading.