No...

I really am at a low point. I have had some real energy boosts over the last few weeks, but looking back they have been an hour or 2 long, & accompanied by a crash a few hours later. This morning, after a night of Trazadone, Zopiclone & Gabapentin, I only just woke long enough to wake our youngest for school before I went back to sleep until 10am.
This is embarrassing for me, to get up so late in the day.
I lay there for a while, seriously thinking that I'd be better off dead, before I finally hauled myself downstairs.
I hope this is just one of those lows that will just fuck off eventually, but I am getting the feeling that this is going on a bit too long.
I have the good patches for a few hours, but the smallest thing is tipping me over the edge at times.
I can sit here weeping like a baby & then laughing my nuts off 5 minutes later at something stupid.
Here I am at gone 10.30, pills taken & they are not kicking in yet, so I cant get to sleep...

Famous people are ill as well you know!



There are people out there who will look & read about the two attempted suicides of famous people, and wonder, “what have they got to feel suicidal about?”
There are some people who still don’t understand mental illness and how easily it is for someone to have a happy go lucky exterior, yet feel totally bereft of life internally. One of the major drawbacks to mental health is the fact that because no one can actually see you’re ill, they assume everything is OK. For the vast majority of people with bi-polar on the right medication, we spend our days controlling the lows (and the highs) so that we “fit in” with what society expects us to be like, often hiding our illness from the world because we are afraid of how we will be judged if it were to be discovered just how bad it can get at times.
I myself have tried to complete suicide on a number of occasions.
Note the use of the word “Complete” and not “Commit”. That’s because suicide is no longer a crime in the UK, and the use of the word commit has a criminal overtone to it. It’s been altered so as to make suicidal people who attempt and fail less like criminals during recovery, not that you’d notice from the continued use of commit in the media, who, let’s face it, are happy in the main to actually make those with mental illness feel like criminals at times.
Take Stephen Fry, all those who still ask the question at the very start of this are the ones with very little actual contact with the mentally ill. Or so they think. One in four people WILL suffer from an episode of mental illness at some point, so look around you, chances are, that one of those you love and care about has either had an episode and not said anything, or will have one.
The other famous person to attempt to complete suicide was Paris Jackson. Now, there is someone who really has had a lot to deal with. Losing a parent at the age she did is hard enough, but when that person is the king of pop and your family are going through the courts to prove that he was killed by an inept Dr, then you can see where the pressure is coming from to not only try to have a childhood, but to live in the shadow of your now deceased parent.
My turning point was being offered a course in Mental Health first aid in 2011 and also taking the STEPS (http://www.pacificinstitute.co.uk/solutions/steps/) course (http://www.commlinks.co.uk/Sites/Training/events/clinical-risk-assessment) that although isn’t designed to stop me from suicide, but more to be able to recognise the early stages of wanting to complete in others and to help them stay safe and free from harm has allowed me to see in myself when a problem is arising and to head it off by giving me the tools to cope with and overcome to a certain degree my depression. That’s not to say I don’t get depressed, far from it, My bi-polar is as bad as ever, but by taking my meds, having a caring & loving group of family and friends who I know I can trust and talk to, I get through the worst of it without doing too much damage to either myself or those around me.
So, before you ask why someone who may appear to have everything would want to end their life, just stop and think about mental illness and how it affects different people in different ways, then look and see if anyone you know might need your help coping…

Some people just dont know when they have it good...

I've just heard about a bloke, in Leeds, who had a job. Great firm, really nice boss, but rather than get into work on time, he used to turn up late & always had a ready excuse for not being there.
Until he got fired.
Now, I'm no expert, but lets face it, if you have a job in today's climate, then you really should look after it. After all, people like me who would love to go out to work, but at the moment cant, would really appreciate a regular pay cheque once a month.
And then he called the firm up & begged for his job back as he needed a steady income to be able to have his fiancé brought to the UK...
What a tosser!
If he'd any respect for the firm & the job, he'd have been on time every day, done his work & buggered off at home time like normal people, but no, stroll in at gone 10, excuse at the ready.
It really makes me sick that twats like that even get offered jobs...Nothing to do with race, colour or creed, just a lazy bastard who didn't care about his work colleagues or the firm he worked for.
Ah well, fuck it.
I'll get off my soap box & let you look at the poem....

A Riddle

 

This sickness thirsts, but hates desire,

Chills when it burns, but is not fire;

Sweet-tasting to the fair and just,

But once it catches, sour as dust;

Pretends to free the human race,

Makes monsters of the human face;

Corrupts the meaning of the mother,

Turns he and she against each other;

Twists truth into an ancient lie,

But has no shame to testify;

Servile, despising those who serve,

Seeking what it would not deserve;

Cyst upon the human heart,

Canker of science and of art;

Gives love a new excuse to hate,

Envies the power to create,

And yet can only imitate.

 

What is it?

 

                                  Frederick Turner

 

 

From Hadean Eclogues, Story Line Press,

© 1999.  Reprinted by permission of the author.

Education, education, education.

Well, I had a really bad swing this time. Biggest problem was the timing of it. It coincided with the visit of my Daughter before her return to University. Sorry Sami.
All three of my kids are very good, but Sami has seen it at more of an arms length growing up with her Mum and has a very different perspective of me.
When I'm low, I am one miserable basket. There are those who would say that's my normal state, but they're wrong. I really am a fairly happy bloke most of the time. I'm back to level at the moment, which means that my studying with the OU is on track (2000 words, For what reasons and to what extent did the classicising traditions of high art dominate European visual culture between c.1750 and c.1830? In your answer you should make close reference to Reynolds, Discourses and Winckelmann, Reflections on the Painting and Sculpture of the Greeks (Reader Texts 4.13.1 and 4.14.1).)
and although its a lot of reading, I think I'm making headway with the research and am ahead of the curve so far.
What's painful is the Government are trying to stop ALL funding for mature students over the coming years. This is one of their stupider ideas out of a large pool of stupid ideas that they dip into.
For me, studying with the OU is a lifeline that keeps me going. When I'm down, its one of the things I look forward too and when I'm on a high, its a great thing to keep me from doing anything daft myself.
I cant go out to work at the moment, so whats wrong with allowing people to improve themselves whilst they are sat at home? Surely, its better to learn than to do nothing but sit and watch daytime TV or play video games? Hell, they could even set up classrooms INSIDE Job centre's and allow people to study in there for a few hours a week whilst job hunting.
Or is an educated workforce not something the Tory's want to see?
An educated workforce is one that's productive, motivated and highly employable. Where as a group of people left on a scrap heap to fester and given no motivation at all are unlikely to want to go to work.
I'm not saying everyone should be educated to degree level, because no matter what your political persuasion, not everyone is academically minded, but if the Government funded courses in basic trades as well, we could build our way out the recession as well as educate a whole generation that learning is a life long legacy.
When Labour decided to introduce tuition fees, they effectively made certain that whole swathes of the population would no longer be given the chance to get themselves educated to a higher degree than just basic GCSE level.
This came from a cabinet who had ALL gone to university for free...Talk about pulling the ladder up behind you!
Now we have a government full of millionaires who would rather give tax breaks to their mates than actually look at the reason we're in recession and sort it out.
There is no way that just cuts will make up for years of Labour malaise.
Anyway, I don't have the solution to this countries woes, but it seems neither do out political classes. All three main parties are run by millionaires who don't care for the man on the street.

Today's poem....

F*ckedBritain.com

By Richard Macwilliam 

 

The trains don’t run on time
(The trains don’t run at all),
They’ve privatised our breathing,
They say our Britain’s ‘Cool’.

 

Our letters come at tea-time,
Some Fat Cat on the make -
If you meet our Dearest Leader
Give him a little shake.

 

Privatised insanely,
Our Britain’s nearly dead -
I wish someone would privatise
This anger in my head!

 

You can read more of Richards work online @

http://www.richardmacwilliam.com/

I highly recommend having a look.

 

My Daughter who understands a lot more about my mental health than I think I ever will.

Thank you.

Decisions...

I've really struggled these last few days.
My problem is that every so often, when the black dog calls, I seem to be helpless against it. No matter what tips and tricks I've learnt from various places, I just seem to get so low, that I find myself constantly thinking about killing myself. Usually after a week, it starts to ease off and I'm back to my usual miserable self.
This week, I've upset my wife, both my sons and my daughter.
It's upsetting my kids that really hurts. It's not their fault Dad is a manic depressive, and usually I manage to keep myself clear of them.
So, here I am. Driven my Daughter to a friends in Liverpool rather than stay here, sat hoping that I really am looking at the end of this session...
Because I really have managed to have a bad week.
So, that's it. Nearly time for bed...

Now comes the hard part...

For the last few days, I've been really odd. Not sleeping properly, waking early, headaches and all that AFTER a cold.
I know I'm down.
I know I've not to let it get to me.
Problem is that My daughter is here & I really don't want her to see just how bad I am at the moment.
We went out to lunch today. I really am doing my best not to go OTT and give in, and at the moment, I'm winning, but it might go to penalties...
An early night I in order, mainly as I have writing to do, but with a house full, I cant sit here & write all night, so its bed for me & then resume work later.
Managed to slip on the bloody ice as well, so my ankle is REALLY hurting me ATM...
Anyhow, poem time.

Taxidermy

 

An owl hang-gliding in suspended flight,

An arrowheaded fox in mock attack

Beneath a northern pike

Whose pinking shears are open for a fight

That never comes, a lynx's ears pinned back

For some decisive strike. . . .

 

No dove is ever featured in a heap,

No walleye belly up.  This art contrives,

Although the eyes are glass,

To reawaken from their real sleep

Breakneck ferocity when the falcon dives,

Grace in the largemouth bass,

 

And overlooks their fixed, affected stare.

A more organic form would represent

No animal at all,

Its lifetime having melted into air,

But in a fairer attitude present

An empty pedestal.

 

Greg Williamson

 

 

From The Silent Partner, Story Line Press,

© 1994.  Reprinted by permission of the author
and Story Line Press, Ashland, Oregon.

Week one.

And I'm actually still in a good place. Lots of things going awry, but my Wife tells me I've been dealing with them admirably.
However, between Xmas & New year, I went to see my mate for an hour or so & came away with the most stubborn cough/cold known to mankind. Now, my wife is off sick with it, our Youngest is off school with it & I'm still coughing like a banshee and having trouble swallowing, 3 weeks later.
Mentally, I've gotten through the anniversary of my Dad passing & only had a minor panic attack, leading to an earlier night than usual.
I really cant wait for the rugby league season to start up again.
Hull KR are looking like a strong side under Craig Sandercock for this coming season, but living in Manchester, I'm probably going to see more of Salford City Reds than Hull KR this season.
Starting with their friendly against Wigan, I'm really hoping that Salford survive and are able to get through the season.
Anyhow, I promised a poem, & have gone for something a little off the wall to begin with...
As my Dad is no longer here, I urge you to get to know your parents as well as you can, because you're a long time without them.

Enjoy...

Dad

 

He often dreams of what he wants to be

and sleeps just to remember what it’s like:

young, anxious to grow, fresh with fantasy.

He often dreams of what he wants to be.

And when he can’t sleep, drinks, forgets, feels free

to hate the children, raise his hand and strike.

He often dreams of what he wants to be

and sleeps just to remember what it’s like.

Michael T. Young

 © 1997; originally printed in Because the Wind Has
Questions.  Used by permission of the author.