The pain & the joy

What a wonderful Sunday. These are the sort of days that make me realise, no matter how bad I feel or how down, its worth hanging on.
My mum came for a visit & brought the newest addition to the family, Louisa, My youngest Brothers daughter.
She is a bundle of fun, just like all babies. Giggles, laughs and just a lovely little person to be around.
Also in tow was my other Brothers son, Joshua. I have so much time for Josh. He is about a year younger than my eldest, but what a crappy hand he was dealt.
First up his Dad, my Brother, dies of a smack overdose when he was about 10, then, just as he starts to get to grips with that, his mother gets sent to prison for 5 years for dealing.
Despite all this, he never misses school, is a fantastic artist and is training at college to become a bricklayer.
There are just some people who you look at & have to think "Well Done". It would have been so easy for him to fall into the same sort of traps his Mum & Dad did, living on a rough as hell council estate in Hull, but he went the other way, and although he has had a brush with the law, for grafitting, he is on the right track & shows no signs as far as I can see of falling off.

The point I'm tryingto make is that its looking at how Josh coped with all that went on and how his outlook is (despite the usual teen sullen sulks) always bright. He actually inspires me to keep going, even if things are really dark with my B.P.

No matter how old you get, its always great to get a visit from your Mum! And when she has almost all her Grandkids around her, she is at her happiest.

About 30 minuted before she arrived, I managed to smash the outside of my ankle on the stairs. It swelled up like you wouldnt believe. I'll have to be more carefull AFTER the plate goes as there will be holes all over the bone & it will be liable to snapping...So, as the house filled up, I'm still sat in dressing gown with the ankle encased in ice & chewing pain killers like they are smarties.

I'm starting to feel the end of this down period I've been in for just over a week, helped by a lovely visit from Family...
Sometimes, its just the simple things that make it better. When I saw my shrink last week and told her how bad I was feeling, the first thing she said was "back on the pills". I told her no and am glad I did.
I'm back to see her on Tuesday with my Wife...

My thoughts on being in a "good" (for any given value of good) place for a while.

For those of you who don't have a lot of interaction with real depression and Bi-polar, by that, I mean the sort that isn't cured by a 4 day stop in the Priory, times like this when, even though I am in excruciating pain because of my ankle, I know I am actually in a fairly good place mentally. This occasional blog was started in the hope that I could make a regular effort to write a little about how I as coping as and when I felt up to it. It looks like December was the last time...But its been an interesting 7 months

I consider myself lucky. I am a fairly intelligent bloke with an above average grasp of my illness. This has been helped in part by reading about it, doing a short stint at CBT, and finally, taking the S.T.E.P.S. course offered by LJWB,(http://www.ljwb.co.uk/) and I'm sure that you could find someone running this course along with the Pacific Institute near you as well.

I'm no expert on mental illness, nor would I ever claim to be. I am a sufferer, not a mental health worker, a job that takes the patience of a saint and the understanding of Job (apologies for the religious references, but its so difficult not to use them, even for an atheist like me. Its a sign of lazy writing). I know how awful I can be when the black dog is on my shoulder, and I feel like jumping under a bus rather than getting on it or packing a bag and heading to live on the streets somewhere and its actually harder to stay with my family and see how unhappy I make them when I am down that to leg it or top myself.

Every time I start to feel on a real downer, I try to find things to do to keep me busy and that take my mind away from the banality of day to day. This could be writing jokes, articles or just reading a new book by someone I have never heard of before. Knowing that the black period can last from a few days to over a week, and the alternate "high" is only ever two to three days, seems a little unfair, but, after over a year on loads of different pills to try & become stable, I made the decision to stop taking all of them.

Overnight.

I didn't tell anyone for a couple of weeks, which was REALLY stupid of me, but after chatting to my shrink & mental health worker, I put in place a set of systems, letting those who really needed to know,know.

By using the strategies I gleaned from my STEPS course and also from the short amount of CBT, I am now better able to tell when each phase of the illness is around the corner and able to make sure I don't get as low as I have in the past.

I am lucky in so far as most of those I work with on a regular basis are well aware of my illness and also aware that this can affect my output. There are, however some who know how good the work is, but just put up with the irregular hours I have to keep and yet still moan like hell if it arrives on the deadline as asked. No matter how you tell some people, they are just to ignorant or unwilling to understand that illness affects everyone differently, especially mental illness

I do find myself on occasion sat here at 2.30am with a blank page in front of me and then in just over an hour have 5 filled ones that need editing & spell checking and referencing and a bibliography.

And that's the point.

I can produce work to a standard I never thought possible just three years ago, but I have to do it when I am able to. It annoys the hell out of me that I cant just write all day, every day. A few days ago I produced two full hours of air time in about eight hours of writing (allowing for editing, fact checking, re writes etc). It might look like 9 pages of A4 to you, but to me it was a monumental effort that left me unable to work for the rest of the week.

I try to keep my down periods hidden from all but my closest friends & family. There are times we're invited places and I just have to force myself to leave the house, just to appear "normal". In reality, I should just say no, and let others get on with it, but I feel selfish saying to my Wife, that I'm not going. I have days where I don't get out of bed before 11am, not because I am lazy, but because I really feel so low, I cant see the point of getting out as I wont be able to do anything productive.

The lows have been that bad that there have actually been at least 5 different attempts to kill myself that I would class as "real" attempts over the years, stretching back to my being about 15.

I often wonder how different it might have been if I had been diagnosed years ago, but that's pointless. I do have a great life, its just that there are times when I hate myself and it. I have fantastic friends ad a wonderful (at times) family who all support me & care about my welfare.

At the end of the day, that's all anyone with mental health issues needs.

Love & support...

I have to work very hard to keep myself from going over the edge. I only manage that with the help and support of my Wife, Friends & family.

My remark at the top of the piece about not being cured by a 4 day stay in the Priory, was not a dig at those who feel they need help for what they feel is depression, but an observation that if a 4 day "cure" for Bi-Polar was available & worked, I would sell all I had to take it. I'm sure that the Priory provides a first class service to those who can afford it.

About bloody time!!!

Mrs R blew up. She had lost two of the Eldest sons hats, refused to acknowledge she had even worn them, and kicked off.
I locked her out, packed her a bag, gave her the only thing she gives a shit about (youngest son), and sent her off.
If she'd waited 60 more seconds, I'd have given her her handbag so she could put the desiel in the car she was supposed to do Xmas eve, but as usual couldnt be bothered. So the car has a 5 mile range a the moment...Serves her right.
So, here I am, peaceful house, can of lager and no one being a right cow.

Bliss.

Too distracted to get things right.

So, early night, slept like a log until 9.30, problem is, I had a meeting at 10am and only just made it.
Got home at about 11.30 & made a start on TOMORROWS dinner of Stew & Dumplings. Got it all into the slow cooker by about 1pm and set it off on medium...
Should be ready by 6pm tomorrow, when I'll do the dumplings in the oven as slow cookers really no good for dumplings that need direct heat.
Although this is in danger of becomming a food blog, the upshot was that I put a pasta bake on and managed to over cook it to the point where non of us would eat it.
I'm on a low as it is, so to screw up dinner really didnt help. I hate leaving everyone hungry. Sue cooked something else for Robert.
I'm really peeved at myself for taking my eye off the ball.
Hopefully, tomorrows stew will make up for it.

OMG!!!

What is it about cold weather that convinces girls of a certain girth that its just the right time to go out in short skirts, skimpy tops during daylight hours? Does no one use a mirror anymore? Add to the view the four pre school kids and you begin to (hope) Darwin was right or the human race might just have run its course.
I'm too old to go round town on a Christmas bender, but crying out loud, the sights during daylight are enough to make you think celibacy might be worthwhile, or perhaps its too late.

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What a busy day...

Bumbled into Leeds to do my bit for BBC Radio 4, as is usual for me, I arrived in town 2 hours early, went to go for breakfast & found I had forgotten my wallet...Jumped on the bus back home, picked up my wallet, got he SAME bus back in, grabbed a bite & still made it on time.
Did my piece, popped to Argos to get one last (HA!) present for Robert and made it home just before him & his Grandfather.
Got a Chinese for tea, then went shopping.
I have no excuse for not cooking any more. The freezer is packed as is the fridge.
Mr Massey is here early AM for an interview, so its back into Leeds and whilst he's being interrogated, I'm off to CEX with a few bits from the old PC to refill the coffers.
Thursday its CBT, and Fridays interview with a former brothel madame has been cancelled due to illness!!!
Hopefully Charlie will be better early January and we can do part two of her life & story then.
I don't have a show of my own to do until next Thursday, so I have plenty of time to get the thread & start writing.
Radio 4 late January, will let you all know when & time as soon as I know...

Bugger me!!

Cant believe the change!!!
Feeling like crap, but at the same time really pumped up & great. Think I've pulled something with this coughing, as I'm in sooooo much pain.
PC is now hard wired into the TV via HDMI, meaning I can play anything on the PC direct through the TV!!!
Keeping the beard for a bit I think.
Not sleeping at the moment, which on one hand is great as the Ashes are on, but means I am a right nark for the rest of the week...
Even after a year, I'm still struggling to get to grips with this illness.
I suppose it will all become clear eventually, I just wish it didnt take so long.
At least the CBT will help.
Over Time...